Style Dossier: Victoria Beckham

“I do often look like a miserable bitch in photographs, but you have to have a tough side.”- Victoria Beckham

Don't judge or throw me shade on this one. You're probably thinking fuck this bitch, there are so many more beautiful women to do a dossier on but I felt VB makes for an interesting subject. Mostly because she yo-yo's from smart and chic to epic fashion beast squishing-at times a too thin frame-into bite sized dresses.
One minute it's skinny jeans and a Birkin but the next it's cat flashing skin-tight dresses and monster He-Man heels.
Pre-spice. Nice earrings
Tasteful portfolio shots are the epitome of grace and elegance.


When she first hit the spotlight in 1996 with the Spice Girls she was dubbed Posh Spice which is yeah, ironic. At first she mostly stuck to simple black dresses to really hammer away that she was sophisticated. Looking back I'm not entirely convinced.
Spice up ur motherfuckin life!

Buh-bye 90's, hello 00's
I used to have that same dress!!! How embarry.

I'm like, so fashion right now. I'm MAY-JAH.
ABOVE: This is kinda her fashion phase where she started becoming a front row fixture at runway shows and appeared in ad campaigns for Armani and Marc Jacobs. Then of course she started her own line of restrained, pared down dresses which are apparently quite popular.

Most recent shot of Posh with her totes adorbz kids and dashing husband.

My major criticism (if I were to have only one) is that she never looks relaxed or natural. Her outfit choices always look overdone, laboured and too precise. She never looks like she just rolled out of bed and threw on  a slanket you know? I just wanna say bitch chill the fudge out. Wear a polar fleece vest like a normal mum. 


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Also, I just want to wish you all a happy new year plus a big thank you for following and reading my blog. And if you have a blog that I follow I say a big thank you for providing me with endless hours of laughs, fashion reviews, insights and your own view on what fashion is. Now I'm getting all weepy and shit.

"I want to apologize to all of the people I have let down because of my behavior which has reflected badly on my family, friends, co-workers, business associates and others"-Kate Moss

I met up with some friends for dinner over the weekend and one of my friends Elise gave me a belated birthday gift.


Oh Patrick, I'm excited too!


Mwah. Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays from me and my cat (I'm not allowed a real one yet because my apartment is too small. You can't swing a cat in here so why bother getting one)


My new schewzzzz! Never will they look this perfect ever again

KATE MOSS 4LYF

Harper's Bazaar Australia's Photoshop Fail




My sister gave me a Harper's Bazaar subscription for my birthday and last week I received my first issue.

It's a January/February issue and it's kinda disappointing.

There's a spread titled Sun. Sea. Slick. Style. They can add sloppy to the title too. On page 134 there's a model looking cool in Celine resort trousers and top. I was looking at it and geeking out at how much I love Celine and how Phoebe Philo is a genius when I came upon the model's leg.

Oh hey there, just standin around looking all kinds of tres chic and....bro what's up with your leg?


I name thee Ghost Pant! Go forth and haunt
It’s like a double vision weird out. At first I was looking at it and thought, how interesting, I don’t recall noticing a double cuff on any Celine trousers. I'm not sure what they were doing, lengthening legs maybe, but it's a fail. You would never see something like this at American or French Vogue. Or would you?

How you could you miss that? How do you sign off on that? How could you sully anything by Phoebe Philo!!!

Anyway, there's more Philo deliciousness in a spread by Victor Demarchelier and another spread with some to-die Balenciaga heels and a cool Zambesi top.



CARINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tu As Le Nez Qui S'allonge


Carine Roitfeld resigns after 10 years as editor in chief of French Vogue. 

You know who should fucking resign? Anna Wintour.

Mermaids!



The lovely Gemma Ward will be gracing cinema screens soon. As a mermaid! It's the latest installment of Pirates Of The Caribbean. 



I haven't seen Gemma in this much water since 2005...


Heather Mooney? Is That You?





Karl Lagerfeld had this to say about retirement…

“I have a contract for life so it all depends on who I would like to hand it to. At the moment I’d say Haider Ackermann.”

Emphasis on atm. I love Lagerfeld but homegirl is old. I watched the Lagerfeld documentary and he’s blind! He was reading something and was holding it up to his face, like right against his face. It was like something right out of Absolutely Fabulous.
Today it might be Ackermann but tomorrow it could be Baptiste Giabiconi.

Jump to 1:40. Hilarity. 


Ackermann’s response?

"What can one possibly say to such a phrase?! Such a compliment! Honored I feel, how can one not be?! In all honesty tremendously, immensely touched especially coming from Monsieur Lagerfeld."

Gayest response ever right?

He later said "I think Mr. Lagerfeld said something that was a really nice compliment. But I think people should take it as he took it: a compliment. No more, no less.”


In other words, he called Lagerfeld immediately to thank him and Lagerfeld was all wer? Quoi?

With so many talented designers out there is Ackermann right for the job? Chanel ticks so many boxes that make the brand so successful and I’m sure they’d like to keep it that way when Lagerfeld sashays off to heaven. They’re one of the top luxury fashion brands in the world with a slew of house signatures that are instantly recognized as Chanel, even if they’re not the real deal.

Oh hey Court, is that Chanel? Didn't think so

Tweed, chains, the camellia flower, 2-tone shoes, quilting, No. 5. The list goes on and most of them are distinctively Chanel. No other house comes even close to such brand awareness. And then they have the star designer. Lagerfeld. Outspoken, flamboyant (that’s journalist-speak for total fag) and has an anecdote for every strand of his grey pomp.
He’s such an integral part of Chanel that the house will undoubtedly change when he is gone. The house will go on but Lagerfeld’s void will be felt and no one will have the impact he’s had. I don’t question Ackermann’s abilities (his Spring 2011 collection of jewel tone mullet dresses was tres swell) but his personality may not suit the brand. But what the fuck do I know. I used to think corduroy cargo pants were a legitimate daywear option.


Here’s my list of who should take over when Lagerfeld retires/dies.

Luella-Not only is Luella unemployed (fashion design-wise anyway. Sadly her label has shuttered so she’s wide open) but she had an amazing Spring 2009 collection that was like a young frisky Chanel girl after doing a line of blow and eating a scone. It was yummy.


Rei Kawakubo- Can you even imagine? I didn’t think so.

Alber Elbaz- He ticks every box. He’s distinctive looking, apparently a screaming diva if things aren’t done his way (yes, that’s a box that needs to be ticked). Oh, and incredibly talented.
Chloe, let go of the talented designer you hipster freak

Should bequeath his job to a bunch of cats like all crazy old people do.



Here’s my list of people that if they got the job, I’d die a little inside.

Marc Jacobs. I would die A LOT inside if Marc Jacobs did Chanel.

Dolce and Gabbana. Greasy Italian tax evaders who haven’t done a great collection in forever. And Gabbana dissed Stella McCartney over Twitter. Mee-owwww

Fabio Viscovo: I LOVE Stella McCartney!
Stefano Gabbana: who ??????
Fabio Viscovo: ahahaha! You don’t like Stella McCartney?!
Stefano Gabbana: Who ????? The daughter of the singer ?????
Fabio Viscovo: Yeeees! Stella McCartney, the designer !!!!!
Fabio Viscovo: Stefanoooooooo, please !!!!! You don’t know Stella’s a stylist ?????
Stefano Gabbana: What’s she known for?? What’s her specialty??
Stefano Gabbana: What sort of style does she do? What’s so special about it??
Fabio Viscovo: She makes a lot of minimalist sequined dresses… … .. they’re really feminine. They’re perfect for a nude look!
Fabio Viscovo: Come on! You’ve just got to have seen them! And although she’s really famous … she’s still an upcoming designer!
Stefano Gabbana: Yeah, she’s upcoming after 15 years doing nothing!! Hahahaha
Stefano Gabbana: Aaaaaaa …… I see you appreciate nonentities!! Bravo!

Henry Holland. Embroidered tweed slogan t-shirts? When hell freezes over Miguel Androver.

Anna Sui. That would actually be hilarious but then quickly become tragic.
So I wanna do this like, prairie patchwork skirt right? You feel me?

Raf Simons. Chanel? Minimal? It didn’t work in the 90’s so why bother. You stay at Jil Sander Mr Simons. You stay.

it looks like a ball sack
                                                    
 I am not amused
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Preedom

So Michael Kors, that delectable honey-glazed ham had this to say about Pre-fall:

"All you writers in the room need to come up with a new word. 'Pre' [as in pre-fall] is disgusting." He continued: "Everyone knows now that resort is important, but because the name 'pre-fall' is so ugly, no one wants to acknowledge that these are the clothes you actually put in your closet.” (For the full article head to Fashionologie bitches).



Do those succulent lips speak the truth? Possibly. So I gots to thinkin about 'pre' words both good and gross.

GROSS GROSS GROSS


Pre-cum

Yup, sounds totes unappealing. I Google image searched and decided against putting a drippy cock on my ultra-chic blog because I have class. Instead, why not read a book about this highly covert male act...


You can buy the book here. I suggest you all buy it. 

Pre-menstrual shedding

Wow. Just wow. You couldn't sell that to me even if it tasted like jizz royal queen bee jelly. 

And now I'm sold. I'll take all of them. 


Pre-nuptial agreement. What holy water is to vampires, a pre-nup is death for gold-diggers. 

 Rest in sweet pillowy heaven Anna bb gurl

GOOD GOOD GOOD

Premarital sex

If there's one thing you have to do in life it's shaming your family. Why not do it the traditional way? 

Or better yet, have sex with Neve Campbell. How embarry!

Primadona- just roll with me on this one




Pre-op tranny.



This is the best type of tranny. They're fierce, wily and they will cut you. Pictured above is the ever-radiant Brooke Hogan. Not an actual tranny but I beg to differ. You know that moment when you're just casually shopping or whatevs and a fragrant wild flower such as Brooke sways past you and it's like, your dick is bigger than mine dude. 
(Jane, if you're reading this, remember that tranny at fashion school with that braided whip of a ponytail?)

OK so got a little WAAAAAAAY off topic and I hear you all asking 'but Nigel, what do you think they should change pre-fall to?' Why that's easy: Post-summer